Learning to Love
by Linstock
Summary: We learn to love by watching our families.  Young Spock was no exception.   A Spock/Uhura and Sarek/Amanda story .
1. Chapter 1

Title: Learning to love

Author: Linstock

Pairing : Spock /Uhura, Amanda/Sarek

Rating: K+

Type: Romance, fluff and bit of angst.

Warning: Adult themes and sexy times.

Summary: We learn to love by watching our families. Spock is no exception.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Star trek the characters or profit in from this writing.

A/N: This is dedicated to Hopefuladdict whose comment that she loved "baby Spock" started this train of thought. NotesFromTheClassroom added to the idea by hinting at what Spock learned by watching Sarek and Amanda. (If you have not read "People Will Say" go and do so immediately).

My deepest gratitude to Spoklikescats for her dedicated and excellent beta work on this story. Thanks also the Spockchick for encouragements.

**Prologue. **

Spock lay on the sofa with his head resting in Nyota's lap. She smiled. He reminded her of a large languid cat; she could just imagine him purring.

"Your parents surely taught you well," she commented.

His perplexed expression indicated the need for clarification.

"When they taught you how to love."

"You are mistaken; I did not receive any instruction in this from my parents."

"Sure you did," she replied as she stroked his forehead, "we each learn to love from our family - we watch and we learn."

He remained silent so she continued, "Sometimes what we learn is what not to do, granted; but it's still where we start - parent, aunts, uncles, grandparents - as children we just absorb it all."

She stroked a while longer, carefully tracing the outline of his ear with her finger tips and causing him to roll his head toward her until his nose brushed her belly.

He felt the vibration of her soft laugh before she spoke, "In your case, Spock, I can imagine you making detailed observations, probably including notes." She tweaked a sensitive ear tip gently.

He had that small crease between his eyebrows now and she smoothed it with her thumb. She sometimes thought she could feel his synapses sparking when he thought.

After several minutes he said, "On consideration I believe you may be correct. I shall think further about what you say, Nyota," and, catching her hand, he brought it to his lips.

=/\=

**Chapter 1 The Scientist**

In the complex Vulcan lexicon there is no word for "peek." This could lead us to the conclusion that Vulcans don't "peek." Indeed, if anyone had asked the young Vulcan crouching behind the sofa what he was doing, he would have replied that he was observing his parents' behaviour as part of an ongoing scientific enquiry. Any human would have said he was "peeking" around the sofa and "spying on his parents."

He would have been offended by the term "spying," which would be a slur and call the nature of his honest scientific enquiry into question. While he would acknowledge that he was unobserved by his parents, he would argue awareness of his presence would alter their behaviour. This was a fact. The young scientist knew the act of observation itself could change a phenomenon, and if the subject was aware of the observation, well, it was another variable he'd have to account for, and there were already far too many.

Young Spock, who was crouched behind the sofa "peeking" around the arm at his parents, considered himself a scientist. That he was seven years old was of no consequence. He was also rapidly forming the conclusion that the social sciences were fraught with difficulties that the hard sciences were not. Put bluntly, he preferred observing chemical reactions to observing people. You could control all the variables with chemicals. You could form clear hypotheses that were tested and yielded a clear quantifiable result. Not so with people. They were in themselves a mass of uncontrolled variables, and when one of the people was a human, the problem rapidly became incompressible.

At seven years of age Spock knew he was entering a significant life stage, in preparation he had read about the developmental needs of young Vulcans. He was concerned because his family had adopted some human practices and Spock feared that this shift away from Vulcan cultural practice and his less than logical home environment may hamper his optimal development.

The young scientist had observed several things lately that confused him. His father was the model of all things Vulcan; yet he behaved illogically in certain situations. His mother on the other hand was rarely logical. She could make pretence of correct Vulcan behaviour when needed, but she removed it and hung it by the door when she came home along with her outer garments. Spock didn't understand why she rejected predictable, understandable, logical Vulcan behaviour for random and chaotic human behaviour.

He decided that in order to gain understanding it was logical to complete a series of observations, just as he would if observing the pair of miniature _shatarr_that nested in the lower corner of the garden. His PADD was full of notes, pictures and sketches detailing the courtship and mating rituals of these fascinating but dangerous creatures and he awaited the hatching of their leathery green eggs with interest. The young scientist didn't see any reason why this scientific method couldn't be used in another context. He would closely observe his parents, record and interpret their behaviour. He wriggled slightly as he realised that he might indeed be the first scientist to observe a Vulcan /Human couple in their natural setting. He almost smiled.

=/\=

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Learning to love

Disclaimer: I do not own the Star trek the characters or profit in from this writing.

**Chapter 2 Shimmy.**

Spock's observations were detailed and accurate; yet he sensed he was overlooking something vital: the disheartening fact was that his observations led, not to greater understanding, but greater confusion.

This afternoon, for example…

He'd taken up one of his preferred observation positions behind the sofa. This afforded a clear view of the front entrance, the living area, the kitchen and, through the long glass doors of the kitchen, the shaded terrace. Like many Vulcan homes the main living area of Spock's was "open plan," to facilitate the free circulation of air. The difference in use of areas was indicated by differing floor surfaces and the arrangement of furniture.

His mother had been in the kitchen preparing food; good, clear, understandable behaviour. He was pleased to note that she was making oatmeal cookies and preparing a frittata; although these were earth foods, they were palatable and nutritionally acceptable. Spock would never have said, or even thought, that he "liked" the food, but the human in the kitchen thought otherwise.

His mother was listening to "her" music, using ear buds. Spock knew this was a compromise Sarek and Amanda had reached long before his birth. While they enjoyed some of the same music, they also had musical preferences that differed. In his mother's case, they differed … widely. To "spare you father's ears," as she put it, she used ear buds. While this was logical and displayed an admirable wish to maintain household harmony, it also meant that she became lost in her "own little world."

And she danced.

More precisely she engaged in body movements that she called dancing but did not align with any accepted dance style that Spock had been able to discover. This "dancing" consisted principally of oscillating her hips from side to side and/or jiggling up and down. Her movements across the kitchen consisted of quick little sliding steps. Sometimes she performed an action she told Spock was called a "shimmy." Careful observation had led Spock to the firm opinion that mothers should not "shimmy." Overall Spock was unsure if this collection of body motions could actually be classified as "dancing." However, it did appear to have some aerobic benefit and was an efficient use of time as it combined the necessary household tasks with healthy exercise.

Spock heard his father's transport arrive and hunkered down behind the sofa. He could be reasonably confident of avoiding detection when his mother was listening to music, but Sarek was exceptionally observant.

Spock watched his father enter the short corridor that acted as an "air lock," ensuring that the heat and dust of outside did not enter the house when the external door was opened. It was a logical and functional feature and increased the energy efficiency of the house by nine point seven eight per cent.

Sarek entered the foyer. First he slipped his feet into his slippers, having already removed his outdoor shoes in the airlock. Spock nodded; this was in keeping with observed precedent. Next Sarek placed his PADD and satchel on the stand near the door provided for this purpose and removed his light outer coat, hanging it neatly on one of the designated row of pegs by the door. Finally he rinsed his hands in the shallow conical frosted glass bowl that stood in the intricately ornamented metal stand beside the coat rack. Again Spock nodded; this was exactly as he had observed on every previous occasion. Only when his father's hands were dried on the towel draped at the front of the stand did Sarek look around the room.

At this point Spock noted that his father exhibited a pattern of behaviour that deviated from the Vulcan norm. Sarek's eyes fell immediately on his wife in the kitchen. Spock craned his neck slightly to ensure he had a full view and held his breath in consternation.

His mother was evidently unaware of the presence of the head of the household and was "dancing" in a way that Spock strongly hypothesised was not appropriate behaviour for a Vulcan wife.

Spock glanced at his father and received confirmation of his hypothesis. Sarek's eyes had widened approximately point five two seven of a centimetre and his nostrils had dilated approximately point two six of a centimetre. This was an unprecedented display of emotion and Spock made a mental note. Looking back at his mother Spock would have groaned, if groaning had been an acceptable Vulcan behaviour.

She had her eyes shut and her arms were raised high above her head, waving in an intricate and snakelike manner. Her feet were planted wide and she was performing sweeping movements of her hips from side to side. She had a rapt expression on her face. Then she twirled and stopped with her back to her husband and son, and it appeared as if a sine wave passed through her from her upraised fingertips to her toes, once, twice and a third time. It was a rhythmic, rippling motion, which Spock conceded was quite impressive and probably indicated well-toned core muscles.

Sarek stood like a statue observing his wife. Spock's head snapped back and forth between the two. Just then the oven timer sounded. Spock only caught the movement in his peripheral vision, but he suspected his father jumped - slightly, but _jumped_. This was an unprecedented occurrence indeed. The young scientist made a second mental note. Spock pursed his lips together in concentration; it was so difficult to observe two subjects at once.

His father's expression was strange, still calm, but somehow focused and intent in a way Spock had not observed previously. Spock looked into the kitchen to see what had caused this change of expression. His mother had performed several quick shuffling side steps over to the oven and was bending and taking the frittata out and she was - there really was no other description for it - wiggling her posterior. Spock flicked a glace at Sarek and back to his mother. She had ceased all but a slight rocking motion as she placed the frittata carefully in the stais unit so it remained warm and then shut the oven door. Spock then saw his mother spread her arms wide and shimmy bending backward and letting her head fall back as she did so. Then her hips described an almost perfect circle.

Sarek spoke.

"My wife, attend," Sarek said in a deep and roiling voice that pinned Spock to the ground and caused his eyes to open wide. The last time Sarek had used **that** tone to him was when Spock had accidentally broken a PADD. Spock had been sent to weed the garden all afternoon and "consider behavioural alternatives that would serve you better in the future." Spock had quickly decided that the behavioural alternative he would adopt would be ensuring his father did not find out if he broke another PADD, rapidly followed by a second decision that his father remained ignorant of the first decision.

Sarek was an imposing presence. Although he was not a particularly large man he seemed to dominate any room. Now he seemed to tower, although he hadn't moved… _fascinating_… he extended his hand with two fingers upraised.

His mother had moved meekly to Sarek and placed her two fingers against his. She looked up through her lashes although she kept her head respectfully bowed. Spock could not see her eyes but he saw his father's eyebrow quirk slightly.

"I believe you behaviour requires discussion, my wife." Sarek stated.

"Yes, adun."

"We will proceed to our private quarters and discuss behavioural alternatives that would serve you better in the future"

"I believe that active demonstration of …behavioural alternatives…may be beneficial to this person. Much practice of a skill in a variety of situations is necessary to gain mastery. I rely on you to guide me in these matters," replied his mother.

Although her words were respectful and correct, the tips of Sarek's ears became noticeably green. Spock was concerned by this evident loss of control. It appeared he was correct in his conclusions that "shimmying" wasn't an action a respectable Vulcan wife should perform. He hoped that his mother wouldn't he upset by his father's instruction. Spock found it difficult to maintain his composure when his mother became upset.

His parents didn't return to the main living area until it was time for the evening meal. Evidently the instruction had been satisfactory as both parents appeared calm. Throughout the evening, Spock noticed small affectionate gestures between his parents. While these weren't strictly necessary they weren't illogical; they served to ensure the peaceful atmosphere in the home, which Spock's reading had led him to understand was essential for his appropriate development. So that was good.

For his own part Spock had been pleased to have an afternoon of solitude to pursue his own interests uninterrupted, only distantly monitored by the servants. Still he couldn't understand his parent's behaviour. He had carefully observed every stage of the interaction and he still had the uncomfortable feeling that he was missing something.

##

**Present. **

Spock watched his Nyota dance across his quarters. Although the rhythmical steps she took in time to music only she could hear was dancing, he doubted if it was any documented style. Nonetheless the movement of her hips and feet, the swaying of her arms and shoulders had an almost hypnotic effect on him. He approved; and he intended to let her know he approved.

A memory flowed through his mind and his eyes widened for a moment_. Like father, like son_, he thought as he crossed the room and swept his startled ashayam off her feet.

=/\=

TBC

AN: This is the longest story I have ever attempted and I would love to hear your reaction. I'd be very grateful for comments and constructive criticism.


	3. Chapter 3

Title: Learning to love

Disclaimer: I do not own the Star trek the characters or profit in from this writing.

**Chapter 3 Hair**

The night was hot and a moderate wind blew. Spock knew this wind, the _ Eiktra Salan__*_, was caused when the hot air over the plains rose and the warm air from the desert was drawn into the resulting area of lowered pressure. Sometimes it brought dust and sand, but tonight the warm dry air was clear and it whistled slightly around the house. Spock knew the wind's energy was being harnessed and filtered by the rotators on the roof and that the house itself drew the air in, channelling it through the intricate labyrinth of ducts and vents that kept the house at a constant habitable temperature.

Spock couldn't sleep. He rose and padded to his balcony and sat in his favoured way, with his legs between the safety rails and feet dangling into space. Hot dry wind moved his hair and brushed his bare toes.

His mother stood on the patio below in the warm Vulcan night. She hadn't turned on the lights and Spock thought she wanted to avoid attracting the night-flying _te'lepta*_ that were inevitably drawn to light and, by morning, would have left their sloughed-off casings scattered about the patio like iridescent onion skins. But maybe she just liked the darkness and watching the night sky.

At first Spock could only see his mother's night dress. Long and white, it whipped around her legs in the wind. As Spock's eyes adjusted to the gloom, he could make out his mother's long hair, unbound and flowing. He rarely saw her hair down. Usually she wore it swept up and when she left the house she wore the traditional head covering. Spock was quite favourably disposed to his mother's hair. It was aesthetically, tactilely and olfactorily pleasing. Now it streamed behind her in the wind.

As he watched, Sarek emerged onto the patio. This man seemed so unlike his staid and formal father that Spock was disconcerted, almost shocked. Sarek was bare chested, wearing only loose mediation trousers slung low on his hips. For the first time, Spock had the fleeting insight that Sarek was "a man" as well as "his father." It was unsettling.

Spock could not make out the words spoken, just the bass rumble of his father and the higher-pitched reply from his mother. Sarek came and stood behind Spock's mother and caught her flowing hair in his hands. Spock was amazed to see him raise the hair to his nose and inhale deeply, then wind it around one hand drawing his mother's head back towards him so her head tipped exposing the long line of her throat. His father placed one large hand at the base of his wife's throat and ran it slowly up till he cupped her jaw, then he turned her head toward him and kissed her, human style. So, observed the bewildered scientist, his father had adopted this human practice. It was a long and - to Spock - disquieting kiss. He noted that his mother's hands rose and caressed his father's head, stroking her fingers through his wind-ruffled hair. Spock experienced a sensation, almost a vision, of a door just out of his reach and slightly ajar, one that he could not enter but behind which lay the answer to many perplexing questions.

He also knew a scientist had ethical obligations and he suspected he should not be observing this interaction. He rose silently and when he glanced back toward his parents it was to see Sarek again with his face buried in his wife's flowing hair and trailing his hand down her body. Spock fled.

=/\=

**Present. **

Spock lay beside Nyota. She was sleeping and just on the cusp of waking. His fingers ran through the glorious length of her hair as it spread on the pillow beside her. He took a handful and raised it to his nose, inhaling deeply. It smelled of Nyota - a trace of jasmine from her shampoo - and of him; he was pleased. He remembered how this wonderful hair had pooled around his hips as Nyota took him deeply into her mouth. How it hung around them, a moving silken curtain, when she leaned forward as she rode him, her face shadowed and serious and her attention focused inward. He let the ebony strands run through his fingers. Then he reached over, cupping his ashayam's jaw, turning her face toward him, and woke her with a soft kiss.

=/\=

TBC

_* Eiktra Salan__: Means _plain wind. This lovely name was provided by my wonderful beta reader SpockLikesCats_. _

_* te'lepta: Not cannon. I made these up. _

AN: I'd love to hear you comments.


	4. Chapter 4

Title: Learning to love

Disclaimer: I do not own the Star trek the characters or profit in from this writing.

**Chapter 4 Touch**

Spock sat drooping on his bed and listened to Sarek's approaching footfall. He pressed his lips hard together to stop his chin from quivering and tried to school his features into an impassive Vulcan mask.

His father entered Spock's room and stood quietly at the doorway, observing his son. Spock felt the gentle brush of Sarek's mind as he tasted his son's emotional state. His father drew a chair toward the bed and sat. Spock hadn't raised his eyes.

"Your mother is upset," stated Sarek. Spock's head jerked up in shock, the utterance was so unexpected. It was a redundant statement, unnecessary and illogical - as if either of them could be unaware of her distress when it beat against their minds like a frantic _teresh-kah_ trapped behind a glass door in the kitchen. It was all Spock could do not to flinch every time a new flutter of distress began.

He looked at his father and utterly failed to maintain his stoic Vulcan expression.

"Your mother has informed me you told her she was not to cuddle you anymore. In addition, you told her that by cuddling you, she was disrupting your development." Sarek paused, giving his son a questioning glance.

Spock nodded.

"Why?"

"It is not Vulcan." Spock whispered.

Sarek was silent for so long Spock looked up. His father's face was its usual impassive mask.

"Your mother is not Vulcan and has different needs. Humans require touch in a way Vulcans do not. It is necessary for your mother's emotional and physical wellbeing that she be able to touch you."

Spock stared at his feet. He was deeply conflicted. He knew cuddling was not Vulcan. There was no word for "cuddle" in the Vulcan lexicon. The references he'd read on Vulcan child development all mentioned the need for discipline and restraint. None mentioned cuddling or tickling or snuggling.

The real problem was… the thing that truly concerned him was… that he liked it. He liked it when his mother pulled him on to her knee, tucking his head under her chin and wrapping him in her arms. She would rock him gently and sing him tuneless songs or tell him stories he already knew. He could hear her heart beating in her chest and the sibilant rush of air in her lungs. She would slip her hand under his shirt and give him what she called a "heart tickle." He would snuggle into her and she would stroke his hair.

And now he could not do it any more. He must do without and learn discipline, or he would never be Vulcan. He felt his mother's distress and he knew how she felt, trapped and alone.

"Spock, if your mother was diabetic, would you deny her insulin because it is not Vulcan?"

Spock was shocked. "No, Father. Vulcans do not suffer from diabetes, but it would be illogical to place Mother's health at risk by denying her needs."

"Quite. It is the same with cuddling; regardless of whether Vulcans have this need, it is necessary to your mother. A study of Earth health literature should show you this is so. I understand human children can wither and die if deprived of adequate touch. Human adults also suffer and can develop what I believe is called 'skin hunger'."

Sarek continued, "It is our duty to ensure that your mother's needs are met. She is isolated from her kind and has no one else to rely upon. In addition, Spock, remember it is a Vulcan's highest duty to meet the needs of his family; this is especially so of a bond mate or parent."

"So I should allow mother to cuddle me?"

"Indeed. As long as this does not cause you distress. "

"I believe I can tolerate it, Father."

"I believe your mother will be pleased."

##

Amanda Greyson watched her husband. He was in the dressing area adjacent to their sleeping room. Sarek's clothes hung to one side and hers to the other. There was a waist-high central island with shallow wide drawers on either side. These contained all the small items for grooming and adornment, with shoes stored in the bottom section. Long mirrors covered the end wall of the dressing area. The arrangement was extremely functional.

Sarek was in the light white undergarments he wore beneath his Vulcan robes. He had just tied the waist of the loose nether garments when Amanda entered.

"Husband," she said carefully masking her feelings.

"Wife?" came as acknowledgment and inquiry.

"Is it true that Vulcans are a truthful race?"

Sarek paused and looked at is wife in the mirror. "You are aware this is so."

"Then it distresses me to inform you that I have become aware a high-ranking Vulcan official has uttered untruths." As she spoke Amanda moved closer to her husband until she was standing within arms' reach of him.

He still kept is back to her as he replied, "Please elaborate."

"Well," she said and reached out and trailed a finger lightly down her husband's back. She was pleased to note his posture froze at the light touch. "It seems this high-ranking official informed our child that the need for touch is essentially a _human_ one and Vulcans don't require touch in the way the weaker, inferior races, like humans, do."

Sarek had paused in the act of tying his writs bands and quietly replied, "I am sure this official didn't use those derogatory terms."

"Maybe," she conceded and now her other hand stroked gently across Sarek's muscular shoulders, "nonetheless, the clear impression was given that Vulcans don't crave touch every bit as much as humans."

Sarek swallowed visibly and his wife's hand trailed caressingly down to his lower back.

"Vulcans can exist without touch. "

"As can weak and needy humans," stated Amanda, stepping closer and stroking her hands around her husband. He watched the reflection in the mirror with steady fascination as the small efficient hands stoked across his belly and started to work under the edge of his undershirt. "It appears this official made it appear the need for touch was _solely_ human. He said it was permissible to indulge in order to assuage the needy human and for the sake of familial harmony. However it was **not **necessary to Vulcans."

The hands were now moving under his shirt one stroked across the planes of his chest and the other pressed into the waistband of his nether garments.

"This Vulcan official neglected to mention he melted like ice in Vulcan's Forge under the hands of his wife, that he was more responsive to touch that anyone his wife had ever encountered …" here she ran her fingernails softly down Sarek's chest and belly so both hands were at his waist.

"This may not have been appropriate information for a child."

"Maybe," she conceded and pulled the waist tie that held Sarek's under garments so that the knot undid.

He placed his hand over hers. "I am due at the Embassy in half an hour."

"Is that so?" she continued and ran her free hand around to stroke over her husband's muscular backside. She stroked and caressed over the firm hard planes and curves of his rear, and the tops of his legs. She noted the trembling he was unable to suppress. _Impassive Vulcan? Ha!_

She whispered, "The official may be wise to keep this information confidential. Who knows what effect it may on Vulcan diplomacy if it were known?" She pressed hard against his back and rubbed her cheek against him. "Female spies may be sent to subvert negotiations and that could get very messy, as I would be forced to declare ko-telsu kali-fi and protect what is **mine."** She said the last word with harsh emphasis.

As she spoke she moved sightly away from him and to the side and then opened the bond and sent an vivid image of herself as a warrior woman from Vulcan's past, prepared to battle all who sought to take her man. She saw his response ripple though him.

"Wife, I will be late, you have made your point most persuasively. I was in error to mislead our son."

"Indeed you were. Our son is now ashamed of his own responses and needs, thinking them an indication of weakness - _and_ un-Vulcan. This is unacceptable. He is your son and has **your **sensual nature. You need to correct the erroneous idea you have burdened him with."

She quickly reached over and finished pulling the tie free, causing Sarek's nether garments to fall, and slapped him stingingly hard on the left buttock.

He spun and grabbed her upper arms.

"You go too far, wife."

She looked him in the eye, completely unrepentant, smiling triumphantly.

"I don't go far enough," she replied, staring directly into his eyes as she reached and stroked between his legs. Her hand moved gently and rhythmically and she looked at he husband.

"I will be late." His voice was no longer completely calm.

"What major international issue waits you at the Embassy, Husband?"

"We are finalising the details of the Andorian trade agreement, the section related to fertilizer."

"Important matters indeed, the fate of _worlds_ hangs in the balance."

Sarek, sounding slightly strained, replied, "It is important nonetheless."

"I believe that you should contact your office and tell them something urgent has… arisen…." purred Amanda.

"That would be an untruth, wife."

"Not so, Husband; I consider this…" she gripped him firmly and deepened her strokes, "very important."

"This is not behaviour appropriate to a Vulcan…"

"I am not Vulcan," she replied. "Consider this your punishment for not being truthful with our son; now you are forced to acknowledge your own hedonism and ability to deceive."

She sank gracefully to her knees and Sarek uttered a sound none of the people who had opposed the intractable and implacable Vulcan across a negotiation table would ever have believed he was capable of producing.

Sarek knew he had never had any hope of success in this confrontation. His opponent was implacable and possessed information she would ruthlessly and skilfully use against him.

Ambassador Sarek arrived at work a full ninety-eight minutes late. His staff accepted without question his assertion that there had been "pressing matters to attend to."

##

That night Sarek walked with his son in the garden and strove to explain that touch in all its forms was acceptable for both Vulcans and humans, in the appropriate situations.

"This appears to contradict you earlier statements, father," son replied.

"I believe I have unintentionally misled you, Spock. To clarify, Humans are generally more _openly_ expressive and unrestrained in touching than Vulcans. You have witnessed the touching and hugging amongst your mother's family when we visit. " He glanced at his son sand saw him nodding, a slight crease between his eyebrows.

"Vulcans also value touching; indeed, touch is necessary for health, physical and psychological development. However, our touch telepathy changes the experience in ways that humans rarely understand. We must respect _both_ personal and mental space. Because of this, we appear less amenable to physical contact, when it is more _accurate_ to say we only engage in contact with an individual whose body and mind it is appropriate for us to touch. So, while we may touch significantly less than humans, for us, the experience is more intense."

Spock considered this, "This is logical, father."

Sarek nodded.

Amanda watched the exchange through he kitchen doors. She was sensing Spock's emotions as best she could. She thought of this as "listening at the door." She gradually became aware of an uncoiling of the tension in her son and smiled.

**Present**

Spock lies beside Nyota with his head resting just below her breasts. His warm breath moves over the plane of her belly. He rhythmically strokes her skin, tracing her contours delicately with his long fingers.

She looks down the curved graceful arc of his back, and runs her hand from his shoulders to the cleft of his buttocks and back, feeling the velvety heat of him.

When they first met she had noticed how he held himself gracefully, yet tightly furled, and utterly misinterpreted the signals. When they had started their relationship she'd expected to have to teach him the ways of touch.

From the beginning, he was the most physically responsive person she'd ever known and it was he that taught her. He'd slowed her frantic rush to orgasm; he'd taught her the journey mattered, not just the destination. They'd spent nights just touching, until she learned herself in a way she hadn't realised was possible. She didn't know if this was a Vulcan trait or a Spock trait; she just knew it was another reason she treasured him.

TBC…


	5. Chapter 5

**Warning: This chapter deals with issues of loss and grief. **

**Au: Humble thanks to the amazing Spocklikescats who did double duty on this chapter, actually having to beta it twice. As always the flow of this story and lack of typos and grammatical errors is due to her efforts. **

**Loss**

As soon as Spock woke he knew what day it was…the anniversary. This day three years ago might not be his earliest memory, but it was certainly the most painful.

=/\=

Gripped by overwhelming panic, he'd woken in the night; his heart pounding, he struggled to breathe, feeling as if every cell in his body was screaming. He was helpless and lost. Outside his room the lights were on and he could hear movement and a terrible wrenching keening cry.

Spock lay panting, bewildered and terrified. Despair filled him, pressing him down on the bed like a weight. He lost track of time.

The door to his room swung open and Sarek entered. He moved to the bed, scooping the trembling Spock into his arms and gently placed one large hand on Spock's clammy face, seeking the meld points. Spock felt the slight tremor in Sarek's fingers and his fear intensified. He was gasping for air now as his panic paralysed his ability to breathe.

"My mind to your mind…" murmured Sarek. Then his father was _there_ with him and Spock felt safe. As Sarek gently reassured Spock, he seemed to gather the pain and fear into one place and hold it in his large cupped hands. It was still there; Spock could faintly feel it like a dangerous insect buzzing and fluttering inside those softly cupped hands, but it could not get out. Spock's trembling subsided and he took a deep breath. Now that he could think, a new fear sprang up.

"Where is mother? She suffers."

"Yes."

"Will she die?"

"No." Sarek's grip tightened slightly as he spoke, "She is experiencing severe, but temporary, pain."

"Why does she hurt?"

"We have received news. Her brother has died."

"Uncle Joey?"

"Yes."

Spock felt sadness, this time his own. Whenever he was on leave from Starfleet, Uncle Joseph visited his beloved twin sister, Amanda. When Spock was still very young and unable to control his unexpectedly strong telepathy, his human relatives usually avoided his touch. But Uncle Joey hadn't avoided holding the small hands that unwittingly accessed his mind.

They went on long walks together, Uncle Joey holding Spock's plump little hand, telling stories about starships, alien races, and strange, wonderful planets. Young Spock knew many facts and figures about space, but Uncle Joey opened his imagination to its sheer grandeur and beauty and shared his wonder and joy. Those nights Spock dreamt of space journeys.

Uncle Joey, who was quiet, serious and gentle, who saw beauty and wonder in everything and patiently answered all of Spock's questions … Uncle Joey, who loved his mother in a way that confused Spock, was dead.

Spock rubbed his cheek against his father's tunic, seeking comfort.

Sarek was talking softly; Spock felt the rumble of the words in his chest.

"The bond we share with your mother differs from one shared by two Vulcans. She had to learn control as an adult and at times of extreme emotion she still struggles with control."

"Mother calls it the door," murmured Spock.

"Yes, the door is a metaphor she uses for the bond. Her extreme emotion at this time caused her to blast the door open."

"I could not close the door," murmured Spock. He felt limp and drained after the intense rush of emotion.

"I know, son." Sarek closed his eyes briefly as he remembered.

He'd answered the insistent beep of the com just a short time ago. Amanda's mother, her pale face streaming with tears, demanded he wake Amanda. His wife, pale and worried, sat gingerly in front of the com … then words came haltingly between Mrs Grayson's sobs … the _Kelvin_ attacked - George Kirk's heroism - the total destruction of the _Kelvin_ - eight hundred crew members saved.

But not Joey. Witnesses saw Joey sucked into the void of space when the hull was breached. At this point Mrs Grayson became incoherent and a cousin Sarek had only met once disconnected the com after promising to call later.

Amanda sat frozen, immobile, all sensation from her eerily absent for the first time since their bonding. Gradually Sarek experienced a sensation like a building pressure in his mind, then a stunning shockwave of pain and grief surged from her, throwing the 'door' back – Sarek felt as if a stun grenade had been had been exploded in the room … no, in his mind.

Time seemed to move in stutters; his perceptions fluctuated, and only made sense in short bursts: he saw his wife, her head tipped back, her mouth open and distorted, emitting no sound… time frozen, immobile… then an appalling wrenching noise that flickered on for a second and stopped, followed by ringing silence. Next the floor seemed to tilt beneath Sarek's feet and he saw Amanda slide to her knees in flickering slow motion, physically nauseating punches of pain strobing through him as she slid.

And everything snapped back into real time. Sarek, staggering slightly, looked down to see his wife rocking and keening near his feet, heard the searing awful sound and dropped to kneel beside her and gather her in his arms. As he clung to her, he sought to muffle the bond, or 'close the door', as Amanda would say. There was so much pain it was hard to think. He heard himself groaning. Slowly he pushed the door shut. He felt a moment's relief. He reached out through his familial bond to his mother, T'Vatak … _I require assistance_ … and felt her response, _"I come my son."_

Amanda clung to him, sobbing and keening and he cradled her. When T'Vatak arrived, Amanda and Sarek were kneeling, clinging together, Sarek rocking her gently. T'Vatak helped prise Amanda's fingers off him and he cupped his wife's face in his hands. "I must go to Spock," he said, and left the room. He doubted she had heard him.

Sarek found Spock stunned and trembling in his bed.

=/\=

_Late that night, after Sarek checked on his sleeping son, he returned to his bed chamber. Amanda lay curled asleep on their bed. She trembled slightly in her induced sleep. Sarek looked at his hand and saw the faint echoing tremor. _

_That human and Vulcan emotions differed was obvious, but the exact nature of the differences weren't understood; when Sarek and Amanda bonded they were explorers in uncharted territory. Like many Vulcans, Sarek had once thought human emotion ephemeral, as transient as the ripples and sparkles on the surface of the water, while Vulcan emotions were like the deep slow moving ocean currents. _

_The immediacy, the almost crystalline brilliance of Amanda's emotion was deeply enriching. She felt the same, describing his emotions as "smoky", "weighty" and "compelling". Sarek now knew beneath the surface dance of light emotions was a solid enduring core - love for him, for their son and for her twin - this was the heart of Amanda's world. He hadn't known, no one had known, that a human could broadcast with such intensity. Tonight, for the first time, a Vulcan had felt the full impact of profound unshielded human grief. _

_The healers had warned him of potential problems if he bonded with a human. Apart from their innate abilities, almost from birth a Vulcan trained to develop the skills necessary to control his or her telepathic connections. Amanda lacked these skills, and, although they would develop in time, she might never be fully proficient. They'd warned Sarek that, in times of extreme emotion, it could fall to him to shield for them both, just as a parent did for a child. He considered this a small price to pay. _

_Sarek knew he must continue to shield the sleeping Spock; his son was still too young to fully maintain his shields during slumber, and he must continue assisting Amanda, allowing her to sleep. Only time would tell how long his help would be required. _

_He reached over, gently stroking his wife's forehead. Not for the first time, he marvelled at the intensity of his attachment to this woman from another planet, another species. Yet she was simply, profoundly… necessary. _

_Amanda could tolerate but disliked the touch of Vulcan minds other than his. How strange that she welcomed him and rejected all others; in truth, it pleased him. When Amanda had borne Spock, Sarek was briefly concerned that she might not want to form a parental bond with their child. It was a fear completely unfounded – Amanda had been eager to bond with the new mind they'd created._

_Gazing at his wife Sarek resolved that he alone would provide what his family required; no healer would touch Amada's mind and add to her distress. It was his duty, his burden and his desire. _

_Sarek closed his eyes and sought balance. He had come to like Joseph very well; how could he not befriend a man who was so like his cherished Amanda? _

"_I grieve with thee, my Amanda," Sarek whispered and lay down, curling around her to give what comfort he could by his presence. _

=/\=

In those first weeks after the destruction of the _Kelvin,_ Spock's mother had become a ghost, hollow eyed and quiet. She stopped running the house; for the time being, the servants bathed him and saw he was fed. His mother sat for long periods of time, gazing at nothing.

Days passed. His mother seemed calmer, but Spock still sensed the thick, roiling pain surging behind the "door" that he kept firmly closed. He missed his mother and yearned for the glow of her presence. For the first time their bond seemed cold and threatening.

=/\=

There was a collection of three large rounded boulders near the house, close to Sarek's study. They were original features of the landscape and his parents had retained them when the house was built. His mother called them "the giant's marbles". The huge rocks sat in a rough triangle, one was partially buried and the largest one almost as high as the house's first floor.

Spock made a discovery: where two of the stones touched, they formed a small tunnel leading to a central, cave-like opening … he called it his "hide". The curved under-bellies of the boulders created a vaulted ceiling with a central opening like a triangular "chimney". Spock took a small step ladder from the gardener's shed into the hide. He found that, standing on this, he was high enough to edge carefully up the inside of the chimney and climb out to the top of the boulders. It was an excellent vantage point from which to observe the animals in the garden.

In the week after the destruction of the _Kelvin,_ Spock spent increasing amounts of time in his hide. He could hunker down inside and be secret or he could climb up to lie on the flattish top of the biggest boulder. From there he could see his mother's chair in the morning room and he could sometimes hear his father on the com in his study.

=/\=

Spock was quietly sitting perched at the top of the largest boulder. A transport had arrived minutes earlier, but Spock did not know who was in it. When he overhead voices in Sarek's study he surmised that it must be someone on official business. The voice speaking was louder than usual. Vulcans did not raise their voices in anger - they did not get angry - but the voice speaking had an unmistakable forcefulness to it.

"… there is no logic in your remaining here. You can do nothing to assist your human wife that a healer could not do."

"I will stay with my family," Sarek spoke slowly. He was as calm and immovable as the boulders that surrounded Spock.

"Vulcan needs you to head the delegation. The Romulans will not react well to another person being in charge."

"Diplomatic success or failure does not rely on my presence. I am not the only diplomat on Vulcan. I am my wife's only husband and my son's only father. It is not possible for me to leave at this time."

"You are the one they trust the most because of your human wife."

"My wife and son need me here."

"Does a domestic situation, no matter how critical, outweigh a matter affecting all Vulcan and the Federation? The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few."

"A Vulcan's highest duty is to his family. It is illogical to think that I alone am going to make or break a mission with fifteen staff."

"A Vulcan wife would not ask this of you."

"My human wife does not ask this, it is what I choose to give…"

A gardener came around the corner of the house and Spock slipped back down the chimney into the hide. He didn't hear the end of that conversation; all he knew was that Sarek had stayed. He worked from home and only left for short periods. Spock often saw his mother sitting with Sarek or walking with him in the rose garden. Twice he'd seen them embracing. To the very young Spock it seemed strange - he thought of his father as a man of action, but now his father didn't say anything or really do anything - he was simply there.

=/\=

Slowly, life returned to his mother's face and she came back from whatever dark place she had been. She began to do simple household tasks, mechanically at first, then more normally. One day she looked at Spock and it seemed she really _saw_ him for the first time in weeks. She held her arms out to him and when he climbed onto her lap and she held him, he felt the soft glow from her and he had to squeeze his eyes tight to stop them stinging.

Soon after she'd begun talking to Spock about Uncle Joey's exploits as a child. As children they were called "Mandy" and "Joey", if they were ever called "Amanda" and "Joseph", it meant they were in serious trouble, a fairly frequent occurrence with Joey. Spock's mother thought it was the reason he'd always disliked his formal name. When she left home his mother stopped using her childhood nickname but, whenever he was introduced as Mr Joseph Grayson, her brother would shake the persons hand, grin, and say "Just Joey."

As the days passed she began reading to Spock and bathing him. One day he heard her humming as she moved around the house. His mother started telling Spock the many adventures of "Joseph Grayson the Starfleet Navigator". They became Spock's preferred bed-time stories.

=/\=

His world returned to normal, but even months later Spock would occasionally see his mother in the kitchen, chopping vegetables, silent tears running down her cheeks.

=/\=

After four years, as the anniversary of the destruction of the Kelvin approached, his mother still became quiet and sad.

She had planted three rose bushes of the variety "Just Joey", in remembrance of her beloved twin. In front of the bushes were a small bench and a stylised sculpture of a starship. On the anniversary his mother sat surrounded by the abundant delicate apricot flowers and looked through her holos of Joey.

Spock watched and carefully noted all his observations on his Padd. He thought about Sarek sitting beside his mother on that bench, holding her hand and quietly listening as she spoke. There'd been little to record but he sensed something important was happening. It was a subtle, intangible thing, to do with the way Sarek's thumb softly stroked the pad at the base of his wife's thumb and how she rested her head briefly on Sarek's shoulder.

Spock knew that this evening his mother would tell him the adventures of "Joseph Grayson the Starfleet Navigator"… even though he remembered them all.

**Present. **

When Spock arrived at their quarters, Nyota was sitting at the kitchen table with letters scattered over the polished wooden surface in front of her. News of her Grandmother's death had come that afternoon. It was expected, but still a shock.

"People say 'prepare yourself', but you never can, not really," she thought. Nyota had dearly loved her Bibi and felt her loss acutely, which was seemingly irrational; in reality Nyota only saw the old woman infrequently and they rarely spoke over the com. Bibi had preferred to write old-fashioned letters, on paper, with a fountain pen.

Nyota expected Spock might show that awkward, slightly flinching uncertainty she had seen from him when she felt strong emotions he did not understand. She should have known better - who understood loss better than one who had lost so much?

This in itself had been a problem early on. When she was sad or downcast, she had tried to hide it. She didn't feel entitled: there was always the question in the back of her mind, "how can this possibly matter, compared with what he's had to endure?" and she would feel guilty as well as sad.

Spock had realised what she was doing and calmly confronted her. He expected her to share all of herself with him. If she didn't, how could he fully share himself with her? How would they decide what to conceal and what to reveal? She immediately saw the logic of his argument and they had moved forward again.

Now Spock did not offer platitudes; he did not deny her feelings or explain that the death made no real difference to her life. He quietly gathered the delicate hand-written pages and led Nyota to the sofa.

He sat beside her; holding her lightly as she read the letters aloud, explaining, remembering and laughing, and he held her close when she cried. He listened deeply and thoughtfully, only making brief comments.

When she was exhausted, he led her to the bedroom, put her to bed and held her softly through the long sad night, his presence the most solid comfort he could give.

TBC.

A/N: Two chapters to go. As always I'dreally love to hear you thoughts on the chapter.


	6. Chapter 6

**Longing.** Part 1.

Spock would soon complete his _kahs-wan_, and important rite of passage in Vulcan society. He'd also progress to the next level in his schooling - the work would be demanding and the need for discipline, intense. In addition his parents had recently raised the issue of his _Kan-Telan_. Spock was conflicted; he faced three major life changes. He wanted simultaneously to move forward and hold back as events pushed him inexorably into the adult world.

Spock's mother thought that he was anxious, and that anxiety fuelled his sudden interest in the family dynamics. He rejected this idea; he was Vulcan and did not become anxious. Quite reasonably, he simply wished to ensure his home environment was optimal - and to further his skills as a scientist.

But, as if the scientific study of a Vulcan/human couple was not a difficult enough task in itself, Spock found himself faced with a new problem. He'd decided to use a series of observations, completed in a discrete time period, as his research method. He reasoned this would yield results that were less confounded by uncontrollable variables.

Spock had timed his observations to coincide with the time of year when his father's travel was minimal. This appeared to be a successful strategy at first. His father had only gone away three times, and the trips were for short periods, ranging from three days to a week. But then there was an unexpected crisis; so far, Sarek had been absent for two weeks and there was still no expectation of his return.

Spock had adequate time to observe how the human partner in the couple reacted to the Vulcan's absence. She displayed both periods of "heightened affect" and "dampened affect" as well as periods of "disengagement and partial dissociation".

She was prone to staring off into space and sighing. The frequency of this behaviour was directly proportional to the length of his father's absence. Extrapolating from the observed frequency of these episodes, Spock concluded that if his father was away for ninety-seven days, his mother's time would consist solely of staring into space and sighing, although he recognized this was unlikely. There was probably a point where the curve would turn.

His mother also did incomprehensible things like sitting in his father's chair in his study to read, even though she found the chair uncomfortable. She had noted several times that the chair was "like the one in 'Goldilocks' … Papa bear's chair was too hard...". It was the sort of illogical simile his mother often used, as if comparing a real, observable object to an imaginary one somehow clarified the chair's characteristics.

One morning Spock observed his mother in her bedroom wearing one of his father's under-shirts. Its crumpled state indicated she had worn it while sleeping. The undershirt in question was very much too large for Spock's mother and the neckline kept slipping off at her shoulder. His mother replaced it with a smoothing stroking motion, only to have the shirt slide off her shoulder again. Spock could not understand why she would sleep in his father's ill-fitting undershirt when she had adequate sleeping attire of her own. To be sure, he checked, and in her drawer, there were four neatly folded nightdresses.

Eventually he asked her. She smiled a little sadly and told him it made her feel close to his father. This was totally illogical.

"Mother, you are no closer to Father in his shirt than you are in your own clothes. Father is still on Space Station Delta Gamma 9, regardless of what you are wearing."

Amanda smiled, more genuinely this time. "I know that, but I feel closer to Sarek when I wear his shirt. It's like a … a fabric-y hug."

Spock disliked it when his mother invented words, like "fabric-y"; they reduced the clarity and precision of communication.

Spock had no alternative but to classify these behaviours in a category he called "Illogical Human Behaviour" or IHB. Unfortunately IHB was a constantly enlarging category that covered rather a lot of his mother's behaviours and he suspected it was going to confound most of his results.

=/\=

When Sarek had married his young human wife, their first years as a couple were spent on Earth, but he had begun to plan ahead for the day he would bring her to Vulcan. He was mindful of the differences in human and Vulcan culture and realised his Amanda's transition into Vulcan society would be easier if she had a home that was her own.

He was also aware of Amanda's physical needs. She was as unable to control her body temperature as a young Vulcan child and would find the usual temperature of a Vulcan home uncomfortably hot and dry; she also slept a lot more than Vulcans and needed sleeping quarters that wouldn't be disturbed by the activities of the household.

Amanda's physical strength was only 33% of a Vulcan woman of the same size, so many items Vulcans used were too heavy or unwieldy for her. Take the simple matter of a chair; Vulcan furniture tended to be heavy and ornately carved. A chair a Vulcan might consider of normal weight could be excessively heavy to Amanda and moving it could cause back strain. Sarek took this latter point very seriously as Amanda would also be adjusting to the greater gravitational pressure on Vulcan. In his early days on Earth, Sarek had suffered with the inverse problem. Used to furniture of "Vulcan weight," and as yet unused Earth's lighter gravity, he had once unintentionally thrown a coffee table across a room.

Another factor was that his Amanda was more vocal than a Vulcan; she vocalised and sang as she moved around the house, and she sometimes talked to her house plants and even to things she was cooking. He had grown used to this behaviour, indeed, now found it pleasurable; but he was aware that his family would consider it aberrant.

Also his young human wife was more vocal in another way. In the privacy of their bedchamber Amanda was passionate, adventurous and vocal; it had surprised Sarek, but he also found it deeply arousing. Even now, after years of marriage, the thought of her vocalisations during intimacy, the way she whispered to him, telling him how he made her feel, what she wanted him to do and her wanton cries when he complied, made his breath catch in his throat.

She'd revelled in the sensations they shared through their mental bond, but objected to his silence. She claimed it was not sufficient that he "vocalised" in his mind; she wanted to, needed to, actually _hear_ him. Slowly he had learned; he'd pushed himself far outside his zone of comfort… to please her. "Tell me what you want," she would whisper and haltingly he had, and felt her arousal glowing through him. "I can feel you but I need to hear you. Let me hear you," she commanded as she straddled him and bore down slowly, and again he complied. "Yes-s," she would purr, moving slowly and rhythmically above him. The thought of his family hearing these vocalisations made Sarek's face flush a dark olive hue.

His Amanda did not limit her amorous activities to only the resting period, or the bedchamber, another factor Sarek found intensely stimulating, but would not be easy to accommodate in a large Vulcan household.

Everything considered, Sarek decided, the only logical choice was a separate private dwelling built on family lands. They had planned the house together, carefully designing a traditional Vulcan home modified to accommodate both Vulcan and human needs.

=/\=

Spock knew every inch of the house.

There was the deeply shaded central courtyard with a fountain to humidify the air. The moist air from this courtyard was circulated through the house's rooms. Beside the courtyard was the sheltered garden with angled light vents to moderate the harsh Vulcan sun. This was where his mother grew her Earth plants, including her treasured roses.

There was the wind well, topped by the constantly spinning, silent turbines that generated a large proportion of their electricity as well as driving the air circulation system. When Spock sat at the base of the well, he could feel the pressure of the constant down-draught pressing him to the floor.

He learned quickly that a slender, flexible child with no fear of small places could crawl though the larger vents that riddled the thick walls and ceilings. His eidetic memory meant he never lost his way in the intricate web of vents. He thought of these spaces as a kind of circulatory system: some spaces were like capillaries and so small he couldn't fit his finger into them; others were veins, but it was the "arteries" that became his personal transport system.

On Vulcan, water was a scarce resource, yet their house had a fountain and a lap pool where his mother swam almost every day. She had commented more than once that the pool had kept her sane when the higher gravity of Vulcan and the ten-month pregnancy made even the relative cool of their house unbearable.

To help support this high water use, their house had many small moisture traps deep in its thick walls. These condensed the moisture from the circulating air before the house breathed it out into the dry Vulcan atmosphere. The reclaimed water was circulated through another system of channels to help cool the house and feed the fountain and pool. Spock thought of this as the house's lymphatic system, and it complemented the circulatory system.

Spock's habit of crawling into the moisture traps, to sit in the cool, damp, bowl-like space, feeling the house "breathe" around him, led to an unexpected discovery. It was not just air and water that circulated through the walls; sound flowed through the vents in unexpected ways. In the moisture trap near the library he could hear fragments of conversations in the kitchen. In the large central moisture trap that fed directly into the filtration system for the pool, Spock could hear the conversation in his father's business study on the floor above and to the east. Spock could often hear his mother's higher pitched voice clearly but only an indistinct rumble when his father spoke.

The ethical issues this discovery raised were perplexing; for example, was it unethical to overhear something if it was "accidental?

**Longing.** Part 2

Not long after Sarek finally returned Spock learned that his mother leaving. First his father's extended absence and now this - it seemed he was destined to have no subjects to observe and the continuity of his observations would be compromised.

The impending trip was because his grandmother on Earth was dying. He understood that it was important when the family _pid-kom _died; on Vulcan such an event also necessitated ritual observances. He did not relish a trip to Earth: its flora and fauna were interesting, but Spock didn't like the atmosphere in the Grayson household, redolent with tensions and secrets. While visiting the home she grew up in, his mother never seemed happy.

=/\=

One morning Spock was in the moisture trap above the library, completing a series of readings for one of his ongoing projects: comparing the temperature inside the house at various points and times of day with the outside temperature.

He heard his mother's voice distinctly.

"You know I can't possibly take Spock into such an emotionally overwrought environment," said his mother. "It's not as thought he's close to them and he certainly won't understand them. _I_ don't understand them and they're my family."

His father's voice was an indistinct rumble as he spoke.

"That may be true," his mother replied, "But I don't know when I will be able to return and I don't want him to miss his school. He's been so anxious lately; I really don't want to disrupt him any more than I have to. I think he's better off staying here."

Spock pursed his lips at his mother telling his father that he was "anxious," but he was too preoccupied with the revelation that he was to be left on Vulcan. In the past Spock had always accompanied his mother when she travelled.

The indistinct bass rumble of his father was followed by his mother's response.

"No. You don't know my family. It will be bad enough having to cope with my mother's illness. You can _not_ imagine what it will be like with my uncles and aunts and my step-siblings in the house - the tension the Federation has with the Romulans is a minor _tiff_ in comparison with the tragicomic opera that is Grayson family life. We do not get on at the best of times. And when mother dies …" his mother's voice faltered.

There was a period of silence. His mother's voice, when it came, was very soft and Spock strained to hear. "I'm going to miss you so much."

His father's rumble lasted longer this time.

"I know, but it's not the same - the bond is a great comfort but I need to _touch_ you, to hear you. I'm leaving the home I Iove and the men I love to spend time with a pack of hyenas." His mother gave a strange high-pitched laugh and there was another, shorter pause. "I just can't take Spock, Sarek; please understand. I don't see any reason why between you and the servants you can't care for him perfectly well. It is not as if he is a difficult child."

They told Spock that night and his mother left the next morning.

=/\=

While Spock had often been alone with his mother during his father's absences, the inverse was unprecedented and strange. However, Spock also saw that, from a point of view of the scientific observation of a Vulcan/Human couple, this was a unique opportunity to observe the Vulcan partner's behaviour in the human's absence.

Spock knew he couldn't expect to get away with the relatively direct observation techniques he had used with his mother. She never questioned Spock if he sat writing at the table while she cooked. She never seemed fazed by the strange things he asked and always answered his questions. The very thought of asking his father why he did something made Spock's heart rate increase by ten beats per minute.

=/\=

As soon as his mother departed Spock noticed a different atmosphere in the house. Her presence had somehow imparted lightness and energy that was now noticeably absent. This was an unexpected observation and difficult to quantify; Spock made a note to follow this phenomenon up in the future.

His mother still had the human habit of chatter, although compared with her relatives on Earth, she was quiet. Without her at home, he and Sarek hardly spoke. Spock found the silence strange and disconcerting and wondered if it was normal in a typical Vulcan household, or if his father and he were exceptionally uncommunicative.

Sarek went to work and came home as usual, although he spent nine per cent more time with Spock discussing domestic arrangements and how Spock had spent his time each day.

The latter were difficult questions for Spock to answer, as the majority of his time was spent in activities he concealed from his parents: visiting the foothills, observing dangerous creatures concealed in the yard, and analysing his parent's relationship in minute detail.

There was no discernible change in his father's behaviour or fluctuations of mood. Spock concluded that his mother's behaviours were IHB, not shared by Vulcans. This seemed right to him and confirmed his belief in his father as a model of all things Vulcan, and all he aspired to be.

It also created another conflict for Spock, because, after the initial week of relishing his relative freedom, he found he missed his mother profoundly.

=/\=

On the fourth week of his mother's absence, Spock made a discovery.

Spock had set up an automatic camera to record a _Te'lepta_ chrysalis hatching. This usually happened in the early morning when the sun would dry the fragile wings, but not too quickly. If a _Te'lepta_ hatched too late in the day, the harsh sun dried the delicate folded membranous wings almost instantly, before they were fully unfurled, and the creature was doomed. If they hatched too soon, in the cooler Vulcan morning, the wings stayed a sticky mass and the creature exhausted itself trying vainly to spread them and, again, it was doomed.

Spock was playing back a recording at five times the normal frame rate when he realised that he had caught his father's reflection in the kitchen windows at the edge of the shot. Because he was watching the recording at a higher than usual speed, Sarek's actions were more noticeable and Spock soon stopped watching the chrysalis and concentrated on the number of times Sarek glanced toward that place where his mother always sat. Her "mama bear's chair that was too soft" sat in a spot where it caught the gentle early morning sunlight. Spock noted that Sarek glanced toward this chair twelve per cent more frequently than other places in the room. His expression was unchanged, but once there was an air of expectation about his father that gave the impression that his father was about to say something and then stopped himself.

=/\=

A week later the night was unusually windy and the air felt charged. The air circulating thorough the vents and channels in the walls seemed to resonate. Usually the sound was soothing and harmonic but tonight it seemed droning and tense; Spock couldn't sleep. He got up and wandered quietly around the house. He liked being alone in the house at night. While he wasn't strictly speaking "alone" with his father sleeping upstairs, it felt different. There was a subtle atmosphere of waiting.

The door to his parent's bedroom was slightly ajar and Spock poked his head round the door.

Sarek was asleep. The harsh lines in his face were smoothed out and he looked younger. His mother was always saying that Spock was "as handsome as your father" - usually Spock could not see a resemblance but tonight he could. Then Spock noticed his mother's night dress grasped tightly in his father's large right hand.

=/\=

Two weeks later Spock was in the small moisture trap near the library. As the sun was warming that side of the building, reducing the effectiveness of the condensation panels, it was relatively dry.

Spock had always liked the enclosed feeling in the vents and traps, and, since his mother had left, was drawn to the smaller spaces. He was curled up, mentally reviewing his recent observations when he heard his father's voice.

Spock paused as the indistinct voice faded. Spock uncurled himself and twisted around, listening. The sound seemed to come from a small vent that led down from the area of the house which held his parent's bedroom, their private offices and Sarek's small meditation room.

Spock waited.

Sarek's deep voice came again, indistinctly. At first he thought Sarek was talking on the com, but Sarek refused to have one in his private area, claiming some spaces needed to be free from interruptions. Besides, they had both spoken to his mother last night. Her effort to appear "just fine" only made it more obvious how drawn and tired she looked. She called every second day, and was not due to call again until tomorrow; yet Sarek was clearly addressing Spock's mother.

"…wife…"

Spock placed his ear near next to the vent, closed his eyes and concentrated. Sarek's voice came intermittently like waves of sound lapping softly on a shore.

"...you taught me to vocalise… said … words set ... eel .. free…."

It made no sense. Sarek was sixty-six years old and already had a growing reputation as an orator when he married Spock's mother. He obviously knew how to "vocalise" long before he had even met Amanda Grayson. And what was "set free, an eel"?

There was silence, then his father's voice came low and clear.. "...I miss you…" air moved through the vents and the house breathed, but Spock, stunned, held his breath.

"…wife … _ashayam _… I miss … touch….I long…"

Spock's head was ringing. Slowly he took a deliberate, deep breath. He saw a vivid mental picture of his father sitting cross legged in his meditation room, the smoke from the _asenoi_ rising and coiling softly in the air, his head bowed as he whispered to his absent wife.

"…aching …. absence …emptiness … weight"

Or was it "wait"? Sarek's voice rose again, soft and raw.

"…so precious … longing … your return … my Amanda…."

Spock felt his world shift. Suddenly the small space was no longer comforting and safe – it seemed to close in on him. He scrambled down the shaft finally, emerging breathless and dishevelled in the central courtyard. He crept into the kitchen and, only pausing to tuck some food bars and a drink bottle in his pockets, fled the house. He had no idea why he was running, he just knew that his world no longer made sense and he needed to run.

All afternoon he wandered in the foothills, until long after the time he usually returned. Finally his father's mind brushed against his, checking that he was unhurt, and called him home.

The evening felt surreal. Sarek did not enquire about Spock's absence. They ate in silence and then read and discussed some items in science journals Sarek considered of interest. To Spock it was as if there was another creature across the table wearing his father's skin. This was a stranger, a man who sat in the semi- darkness and whispered his love and longing to the smoke rising from the _asenoi_.

Over the next week, Spock avoided the vents and spent more and more time outside. He reviewed his observations repeatedly and eventually drew the conclusion that his mother's IHB had affected Sarek's behaviour. Perhaps their marriage bond was the reason. Spock began to wonder about the real validity of _any_ of his observations. He finally he decided to conclude the observations and worry about the interpretations later.

=/\=

Spock was aware, almost to the minute, of his mother's decision to return home. There was a lightening in his father's demeanour. Sarek simply stated, "Your mother is returning," but Spock already knew from the change in the texture of his bond with her.

There was an air of expectation when his mother was due to arrive. Spock was unable, despite an hour of meditation, to focus on any task. He hovered, standing on the bedroom balcony, straining to see her transport, occasionally darting indoors to check there were no delays.

Spock waited so long that even Vulcan control gave way. At the critical moment when his mother actually arrived, he was in the bathroom. When he emerged on the balcony overlooking the living area he saw his father and mother standing together silently, foreheads touching and their hands pressed palm to palm. His father was doing something Spock had not seen before, rhythmically rocking his forehead softly from side to side against his mother's. He then moved his mouth close to her ear and Spock could see his jaw move as he spoke, although he could not hear the words.

Spock's mother started and pulled back slightly. She stood staring at Sarek, seemingly shocked, then a soft smile lit her face and she seemed almost to glow as she stood smiling at Sarek. She raised her hand to cup his cheek, leaned forward, and kissed him.

Spock quietly backed into his room and closed the door. He would greet his mother later.

**Present day. **

Nyota's joking remark all those weeks ago had led Spock to revisit a time in his life that he rarely, if ever, thought about. He believed he understood now what his younger self had been doing without knowing.

Aware of the momentous changes that were approaching at alarming speed, he had sought to catch and hold that period of time when he was still "a child," preserving it like a moment in amber.

But he also sought to make sense of the changes within him that he didn't understand. A Vulcan male child approaching his seventh year feels the faint first tremors of the earthquake that will dominate his adult biology. This seven-year cycle plays out many times, and during every cycle the portents are stronger until it reaches its peak and the grown man experiences his first _pon farr_. Young Spock had felt these first faint tremors and been bewildered.

Vulcan society understood the needs of its young and provided the _kahs-wan,_ to provide a necessary challenge, acknowledge growing maturity and ensure a sense of belonging to the whole, and _Kan-Telan_ to provide a more personal anchor, companionship and safety. Spock respected the wisdom and compassion embodied in these rituals.

But in his young mind, all his confusion was magnified by the inescapable truth that he was not like anyone else. To him, the world was split into the human and the Vulcan, and he thought of them as opposites. If something was human it was, _ipso_ _facto_, not Vulcan. He'd sought for the dividing line between the two, a clear marker so he could draw a line in himself and accept everything on one side and reject everything on the other. He had watched closely and he had seen the truth, but had not perceived it.

He had been a poor scientist, too ready to reinterpret observations to align with his desired findings and unwilling to let the data speak for itself. And the data had spoken. If, as an adult, Spock had remembered these childhood observations, his father's declaration of love for his mother would not have been a revelation.

His young self had reframed everything he saw. Spock had never revisited these memories, so they had been "forgotten" as his future had played out. At some level, he must have always known his mother and father were deeply in love and in lust, but this was hardly a finding a seven-year-old, no matter how precocious, could understand.

=/\=

The away mission had not gone as planned. A three-day mission had become a week. The week stretched into a second full of setbacks and betrayals, followed by an even more disastrous third week. Now, one crew member was dead and three injured, and the remaining party had spent five gruelling days eluding their pursuers.

They were currently "holed up" in a cave which afforded a clear view of all approaches. Spock had volunteered to take the first watch; he needed less sleep than the others and no one had really tried to argue - they were simply too exhausted. Spock could still hear the doctor, muttering and grumbling in the cave as he tended to the wounded. Spock had declined assistance for the minor flesh wound he'd received, stating that the doctor had more important matters to attend to.

Spock sat cross-legged in the cave entrance and allowed himself to sink into the lightest of trances. He was still vigilant; in this state he would not tire, while part of his mind was released to dwell on the matter that dominated his thoughts.

He missed Nyota; "missed" was such an insufficient word.

This was the longest period of separation they had yet endured and the end was not clear. At first he had been able to push his longing to the background; they were busy and this mission was complex and dangerous. As time passed, this longing grew, pushing its way into his awareness at inopportune times. Now he missed her so intensely his skin physically ached for her touch. Whenever his mind relaxed his longing to be with Nyota flooded him.

It was now three weeks, five days, twenty-six hours and thirty-four minutes since he had touched Nyota. He could imagine her laughing saying … "but who's counting?"

"I am, _ashayam_," he replied softly in his mind, "I am".

=/\=

_Ashayam: _beloved.

The _kahs-wan_, or **Vulcan maturity test:** a traditional survival test for pre-teen Vulcans where they must survive ten days without food, water, or weapons in Vulcan's Forge. I marked a step toward adult hood and acceptance into Vulcan society.

The _Kan-Telan:_ **Child Bonding:** One of the oldest surviving Vulcan traditions is the bonding of children when they are at least seven years old. The vast majority of Vulcans were bonded this way in the past.

_Pid-kom_**:** the Vulcan word for a matriarch.

AN: Many thanks to Spocklikescats for her beta work. I would really appreciate you commenting on the chapter, it is the only way I will improve my writing and the only payment to Spocklikescats and I get.


	7. Chapter 7

Title: Learning to love

Disclaimer: I do not own the Star trek the characters or profit in from this writing.

**Chapter 7 Mere Presence. **

Spock had thought his observations were nearly complete, so he was disconcerted to discover the phenomenon of "mere presence*". Somehow he had overlooked this possible confounding factor, and the oversight shook his confidence. He'd been aware of the "observer effect" from the beginning but hadn't fully appreciated the impact this had in the realm of the social sciences. This was not the same as the physical sciences, not at all.

At first it seemed illogical that his parent's knowledge that he was present would significantly alter their behaviours. But, considering further, he acknowledged that _his_ actions differed if Sarek was in the same room, or somewhere in the house, compared with being away at work. This difference was more pronounced if Sarek were off Vulcan on a mission. Illogical or not, Spock could not deny the effect. He realised this was an uncontrolled variable and he had to choose what to do about it.

He decided to make a series of observations:

First, when his parents knew he was present in the room

Second, when they knew him to be in the house but not present in the room, and

Third, when they knew he was absent from the house for an extended period.

By comparing his findings in the three different conditions he might be able to quantify the "mere presence" effect.

The last condition was most difficult to achieve, but he had finally devised a strategy. While some might say it meant misleading his parents, Spock reasoned it was a necessary part of the research process. He had read many accounts in which scientists were less than totally truthful to their subjects in order to obtain a desired result.

He needed to be absent for at least one day. Spock had presented two logical arguments in support of an overnight absence from home. He reminded his parents he would soon be doing his _Kahs-wan_ and experience in the desert increased his chances of success. "I could camp in the gully to the south," was a valid statement and if his parents interpreted this to mean he was going to camp there, so be it, and as long as he kept to generalities, no actual lies were involved.

Next, he stated he wanted to observe the summer hatching of the _topas_. This was true; indeed, not being able to observe them for a whole year seemed almost too high a price to pay for finishing his observations, so it was a highly plausible reason.

_Topas_ were semi-amphibious creatures that spent the majority of their lives buried in the ground. Their skin secreted a chemical that broke down the surrounding soil and sand into nutrients that the _topa_ could absorb thorough the skin, provided there was adequate ground moisture. This function meant _topas_ played an important role in creating usable arable land on Vulcan and the fertility of many of the areas was due to the action of uncountable generations of _topas_.

When the seasonal rains came, _topas_ emerged to breed, the rapid developmental cycle of their young - from egg to young adult - only taking three days. By that time the tiny _topas_, no bigger than a fingernail, were able to bury themselves in the damp soil and live off the nutrients absorbed though their skin.

Spock and Sarek had recently discussed the current research involving the chemical the _topas_ secreted. The Vulcan Science Academy were investigating its use in land improvement and possibly terraforming. The research was deeply interesting.

This was the perfect cover. Spock did not explicitly lie to his parents, but he did step around the truth. For example, he had discussed observation strategies and ways of recording data with Sarek, but had not been specific about what he was observing and recording. He discussed his interest in the _topas_, which was genuine, and he consulted with his mother on what to take for food during an overnight camp.

The arrangements were made for Spock to be absent for one day and one night.

On the appointed day Spock spent the morning in the desert but then he slowly circled around and returned to the yard from the north. He was careful not to be observed. His father had left for the day and in the hottest time his mother tended to stay in the central area of the home.

He crept into the garden and established himself in his hide. He reflected that scientific enquiry could be unexpectedly stimulating. For what was left of the day Spock sorted though his data. Really, some of the discussions with his father in the preceding week and been very enlightening and Spock was beginning to see how to best organise the data he'd accumulated.

When his mental clock told him his father was due to return home Spock carefully left the hide and moved over to a bank that skirted the yard, lowering himself over it and, in crouched position, moved to the stand of eucalypts.

The manna gums, **_Eucalyptus viminalis_****,**were planted when the house site was first selected. These hardy trees, from the driest continent on earth, were wonderfully drought resistant and fast growing. Minor genetic manipulation had enhanced these characteristics. They were aesthetically pleasing trees and in the early evening light their smooth silver grey bark seemed to glow.

From Spock's point of view they had one major fault - the trees were very difficult to climb. The manna gums grew straight up and all the branches were clustered at the top; any lower limbs were weak and prone to drop.

Long ago Spock had overcome the deficiencies of the trees by nailing cross pieces up the trunk of the tallest eucalypt on the side away from the house. This formed a ladder of sorts. Spock had never mentioned the ladder to his parents; he was aware his mother might worry unnecessarily if she knew he was climbing a forty-foot tree.

The first time Spock climbed to the top of the tree he had been rewarded with an unrestricted view over the ridge to the plains beyond. He spent hours perched in the branches watching the local fauna though his binoculars. He became interested in the Vulcan insects that colonised this introduced tree and began to take notes. He made comparisons with the insect life in native vegetation. He tested the leaves and bark and compared them with Vulcan vegetation and also trees on Earth. It was all most satisfactory.

But now he had another purpose. He knew there was a point on his way up the trunk, just below the larger branches, which would enable him to see part of the living area and most of the kitchen through the high clerestory windows. When he had originally noted this, the information was of no interest to him. Now he decided this would provide a suitable location for observing his parents while remaining undetected.

=/\=

Spock had the answer to one question. When his parents believed themselves to be completely alone their behaviour differed significantly from what they exhibited when he was present.

He was observing his parents prepare a meal together. Both his parents were proficient cooks and it was not unusual for them to work together in this way. Spock had noted before how smoothly they worked together, seeming to slide around each other and wondered if their bond facilitated this easy flow of shared work.

Now as they prepared their meal they touched each other on average of seventy per cent more frequently than their norm. Also, whereas his mother usually initiated any touching, now his father initiated contact sixty per cent of the time. This was highly statistically significant. Why this degree of contact was necessary, perplexed Spock. His parents had been married for nine point six five years and must be adequately familiar with each other by now.

Not only the frequency but the nature of their touches was different. When he was present he had seen his mother briefly touch his father's shoulder and even his hair and hand, he had also seen his father touch his mother's hand and arm. He had only observed them kissing when they were unaware he was present. Now the touches lingered.

For example, in one ten-minute observation period, his mother stood behind his father and ran both hands over his shoulders then down the front of his chest, and his father allowed it, even though during this process his mother smeared some flour on his father's shirt. Four point six minutes later his father reached past his mother and placed a utensil on the counter. He then trailed his hand diagonally across her back from her right shoulder to her left hip, where it lingered. She turned and, stretching up, kissed Sarek on the neck.

That was another difference; his parents nuzzled and kissed each other frequently. In one ten-minute period Spock counted three instances where his mother touched his father with her lips and five where Sarek initiated contact. During one kiss a pot his mother was supposedly stirring actually boiled over. Once again, the difference in frequency of these behaviours was marked.

When they finished the preparation of the meal and the dish in the oven they moved to the other side of the kitchen island so they faced the windows overlooking the garden. Spock's mother appeared to do most of the talking, which was normal. She didn't look at Sarek as she spoke but something in her manner appeared teasing. Spock thought it was the way she angled her head, or the way her eyes quickly flicked over to Sarek and away.

Sarek suddenly swept her up and deposited her on the kitchen bench. Unfortunately this action moved them to the far edge of Spock's field of view so he had to lean away from the tree to see. His mother sat on the side of the bench and spread her knees, drawing Sarek closer, and appeared to be stroking his ears. Spock could just see that she had wrapped her legs around Sarek's hips with her heels resting on his posterior.

Spock had seen enough - there was indisputably a marked variation in his parents' behaviour in his absence. He would have to review his data and consider his options. But to continue observation when no further data was required would be intrusive and unethical.

Spock was preoccupied when he shifted his foot to start his descent. The recent rain had made the wooden cross bars slippery and Spock's weight wasn't evenly balanced. When his foot slipped he tried to compensate and teetered for a moment. He shouted for help. Sarek's eyes snapped up and locked briefly with a pair of startled brown ones looking in through the clerestory window.

It was then Spock fell.

Later he learned his cry for help was mental and the only sound was a hollow thump when he hit ground.

=/\=

When he first emerged from his healing trance, Spock fervently desired he hadn't. He hurt in ways he'd never experienced before.

Over the next days Spock felt the constant thrum of his parents' worry in the back of his mind and was deeply ashamed. He knew his head had missed a collection of rocks by mere twelve centimetres; the thought haunted his mother.

Even after Spock could leave his bed he tired quickly and was confined to the house and patio. By then the miniature _shatarr_ were captured and relocated; the tall manna gum stood without the improvised ladder. He didn't object; the fall had knocked the enthusiasm for scientific enquiry out of him for the time being.

When Spock looked back at this time he realised it was the period in his life when he was closest to his father. Sarek spent hours teaching him techniques to control his pain. Although they did not fully meld Spock became used to the texture of his father's mind. As he recuperated Sarek spent most evenings with him, and their conversations expanded Spock's view of his world and the worlds beyond.

Once Spock was well enough, Sarek encouraged him to begin playing the lyre. Sarek taught him in the evenings and Spock practiced during the day. He discovered that there were certain melodies which his mother loved and sometimes hummed along with, so he played those more frequently. Spock's obvious aptitude and interest in music prompted Sarek to engage a tutor. During this time Spock laid the foundation of his proficiency, and the love of music never left him.

Spock's scientific notes lay untouched in his room.

**Epilogue. **

The first time Sarek spoke to Spock of his love for his wife was after her death. Spock realised now Sarek shown this love in uncountable ways over the years, but as a child Spock hadn't realised.

Spock remembered, so long ago, on a warm windy Vulcan night, having a vision of a door concealing a mystery.

After his fumbling adolescent explorations with T'Pring, Spock thought he'd passed though the door. In reality he'd barely glimpsed what it concealed. Later, as a Starfleet cadet, when he experimented with physical relationships, he thought he'd left his childish beliefs behind and finally passed thought the door. In reality, he had only stood on the threshold; he gained some skill, but little understanding.

It was only after Nyota took his hand and they had stepped through that door together that he learned what his parents could never have told him, because some things cannot be told; some things must be lived.

Love must be lived.

The End.

=/\=

**Mere Presence:** An aspect of social facilitation where performance is affected by the "mere presence" of another, put another way, the simple existence of other people in our environment affects our behaviour. According to R. B. Zajonc's (1965) drive theory of social facilitation, the mere presence of others increases arousal and, thereby, the frequency of responses with the greatest habit strength.

**Manna gum:** **_(Eucalyptus viminalis) _****Australian**Native hardwood. It is a straight erect tree, often around forty metres tall, with rough bark on the trunk and base of larger branches; its upper bark peels away in long "ribbons". It can attain very large sizes, the tallest currently know specimen is located in northeast Tasmania and is 89 m tall.

AN: If you read this story and enjoyed it please comment. I really appreciate your comments and feedback.


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